Tag Archives: step-child

Not Mine, But His!

Five years ago, God placed someone in my life that would become my husband. With him came two boys. I truly believe God placed them in my life for a very specific reason and out of reverence for Him, I take my role very seriously. We now have six children between the two of us. Three daughters from my first marriage, two sons from his first marriage, and one sweet baby girl together.

Have you ever thought about why God gives us children? The bible is very clear. Psalms 127:3 states, “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord.” Another version says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward from Him.” I grew up with that verse tattooed on my heart. I knew that if I was blessed with a child, God was entrusting His child into my care until He was ready to call them home. That way of thinking allows me to let go of all earthly fears and insecurities because I know His love for them is deep. I even think He loves them more than I because He was willing to loan them to me to enjoy, knowing I am imperfect and capable of making mistakes that could potentially hurt what belongs to Him.

How do you view your children? That question changes everything in terms of how we treat our kids, who we allow to love them, how we react when they get hurt, etc.

I chose to write about this subject matter after the realization that not everyone views their children this way. Due to my beliefs, all of the children God has blessed me with in this life are seen the same way. It doesn’t matter if they share my DNA or not. They are all gifts from Him and I feel that He would be very disappointed in me if they were treated differently. I believe children that are from a divorce should be able to call their bonus parent whatever they are comfortable with. My girls have a step-mom and I feel that if they were to call her mom, it reveals that she loves them like they were her own. What mother or father wouldn’t want that for their children?

Once the ex’s became aware that their biological children were calling their step-mom and step-dad mom and dad, things did not go well. I quickly discovered that they see things very differently. They both believe that every child has one mom and dad and out of respect for their biological parents, should never call anyone by that name except for those who share DNA. After trying to communicate why we believe what we do, we were told that they told the kids it was forbidden and we were to respect them and do the same.

We decided not to honor their request, not because we don’t respect them, but because it is about what is comfortable for the kids. We sat the kids down and discussed the issue because their biological parents had already informed us that the kids were told they were to never call us mom and dad again. We explained that we didn’t care what they decided to do, but the decision was theirs and we would love them the same regardless.

Months have passed and the younger two still call us mom and dad on a regular basis. The older kids go back and forth. The biological mom refuses to speak to me ever again and the biological dad won’t speak to my husband anymore either. I have prayed for insight as to why we are all on such a different page in regards to this and God revealed it all comes down to how we see Him.

Divorce is a unique situation and there is no manual that tells us how to approach issues like these, should they arise. As a standard rule, I try my best to do what is in the best interest of the kids, even if that makes me a little uncomfortable. I have noticed that issues always arise when the needs of the parent supersede those of the children. If we see our kids as our possessions, we will feel threatened by the step-mother or step-father who is now a part of our child’s life. Once we realize that kids can love everyone close to them and are blessed to have two sets of parents who love them, there is no need for territorial control or manipulation. If you struggle with this, remember that your children are a gift. Using them as a pawn to lessen our insecurities only creates more insecurities when we don’t get the response we are looking for. It hurts our children and they should never have to choose sides.

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Heaven Sent

While I was married to my ex, before our third child was conceived, I was driving behind a truck that had the name Tryston on the back window where the driver sat. I loved the name and felt that one day I would have a son and that is what I wanted to name him. When I got pregnant with Shaylie, I knew God was giving me a son. At my sonogram appointment, the nurse said it was a girl and I was so sad. I chose to believe she read it wrong and had two more sonograms done because I wanted to know for sure. They all said the same thing. 100% girl. I got over my sadness, but still wanted a little boy. Then my life fell apart. I had totally forgotten all about the name and lost all hope of ever having a little boy. Then I met Trey. It wasn’t until he proposed that God reminded me of what he put on my heart the day I saw that name on the back of that truck. I never imagined it would happen in this fashion, but He did follow through on His promise! Today Tryston, my step-son or as I like to refer to as my bonus son, celebrates his 11th birthday and God reminds me every year on this day that His ways are not my ways and His plans are not always the way I think things would turn out, but His are always better than my biggest, wildest dreams!

If you find yourself with dreams that haven’t turned out the way you wanted, give it all to God. He put those dreams in your heart for a reason and He will bring them to life in His timing. They just might be packaged a little differently than you envisioned! Tryston may not be my biological son, but I love him no less. God whispered to me that day in the car and shared a piece of His plan for me. I look forward to the day when I am standing at the feet of Jesus and He reveals every detail from His perspective. Until then, I feel so blessed that God gives us glimpses of His heart and dreams for our lives.

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